I am embodying a practice of refusal. Studying histories of race, racism, race relations, and systems of harm gave me a language to process and discuss my past and ongoing experiences with psychological violence and interpersonal neglect within white suburbia + its institutions. From my late teenage years on, I slowly adopted a built a vocabulary that privileged resistance. I vigorously consumed information, from books to news to tumblr posts, to learn how to be better at resisting.<\/p>\n
Resisting agains harm creates stress in the body. Anticipating harm maintains stress in the body. My depression, my off-and-on companion of 17 years, thrives off on stress. Years ago, I recognized what this was doing to my body, but I kept going. If not me, who will push against misogynoir\/homophobia\/xenophobia\/etc etc in X space?<\/p>\n
Will the world collapse if I refuse?<\/p>\n
No.<\/p>\n
The world did not collapse. My body did not collapse. I became more free.
\nI love life. I love myself. I love what my body can do. I love that I am blessed enough to have the option to refuse.<\/p>\n
The world is not ending; it is getting more difficult for most of us. For some of us, the difficulty remains the same, but its form has changed\/is undergoing a change.
\nOkay.<\/p>\n
I will take the opportunity to shape my life, in spite of that, like my ancestors before. And I have the best moment to do that, to spin the silk that crafts a gorgeous, intricate web for myself, my loved ones, and the things that matter.<\/p>\n
I do not have any words of hope for anyone else but myself. This is compassion of the highest degree, for myself.<\/p>\n
Onwards. I’m mine.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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