Denying oneself confidence and compassion is cruel.
What is that for? Do you deserve to suffer? If you are worried about ruining an event or a not measuring up to a responsibility, is it okay to deny yourself some compassion because you think others wont give it to you? Does the other have to matter for you to hold space for yourself?
If we were able to separate ourselves from our internal critic, we would hate them. Because we cannot, we hate ourselves. You move back and forth between being exhausted and wanting to strangle yourself.
I enjoy my own company very much, but I am notorious for not giving myself kindness. Slowly, I have given it to myself. Several days ago, I realized what a profound disservice it is to refuse kindness to yourself.
The folks who love you or ally with you try to yell this at you every time you have a crisis, and you resent them. I resented them because I didn’t believe them (some of the advice, while well-meaning, is actually self-aggrandizing). It is easy to be kind to yourself when no one is invested in killing you.
But why fasten your death by your own hand, drowning in cynicism, nihilism, and paranoia? Why do the job for them?
There is no respect for self-compassion as a process. A method is something that must be developed with time, and tested. Because we are individuals, we are not the same. Similarly, our journeys are not the same. I did not berate myself when that realization dawned on me. Instead, the question becomes, “what changes?”
Respecting my process. Not wasting time. Acknowledging my fear and pain.
I deserve it.